My Latest Finger to the Government

I'm becoming more and more Ron Swanson-esque by the minute. My latest outrage was getting slapped with a fine from, of all
places, the "Environmental" sector of Baltimore City. The issue is laid out in the letter, which I wrote because I hated thinking of their dead little faces in their office, processing these arbitrary citations and issuing fines, collecting them, then dumping their McDonald's wrappers in the Harbor. I cannot fathom simply writing a check to these poor saps so the government--or as is likely the case, private interest companies with Baltimore's nuts in their fist--can continue harassing its citizens without a good lashing. Unfortunately, just like like restraining orders against dangerously psychotic people, it is a weak bandage over a gaping wound. But it is crucial to continue doing so, or the assholes will continue believing they can do things like this without opposition.

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Collection Division

Environmental Code Citations

Municipal Building Lobby

200 Holiday Street

Baltimore, MD 21202

RE: Citation #: 53134425

To Whom It May Concern:

            I have reviewed the photos carefully online regarding this citation, and concede that one of these bags is indeed mine, as confirmed by Off. Turnipseed’s thorough rummaging. I am well versed in Baltimore’s laws concerning the inappropriate placement of trash, and do avidly abide by these and other laws to preserve the cleanliness of both the neighborhood and the environment, which in our great city is nevertheless overrun by rats.

            I am dismayed, therefore, that I should be penalized for what was intended to be an act of courtesy towards the maintenance workers employed by my leasing office at J.R. Owens Corporation. I am aware that there are trash bins for my building located in the alley behind 7 E. Eager. However, on the day in question, September 23, a Monday, our trash collection day, I noticed all these bins were overflowing. Rather than add to this disgraceful mess, which workers must collect, lift, and drag to the alley on the corner at 7 E. Eager every Monday afternoon, I placed my trash bag in the area where the rest of the trash would eventually sit and wait for the trash collection, sometimes for hours.

            As a hard working professional holding two hourly-wage jobs myself, I am aware of the hard work of these maintenance people. My actions reflect an error made in good faith, to prevent additional strain on others. It is clear to me now that only a mountainous trash heap brought to this corner by maintenance is permissible on trash day, and that a single, tied trash bag in the same place on the same day for the same purpose is subject to penalty.

            While I considered requesting a hearing to protest this arbitrary citation, I realized I would be forfeiting an entire day’s wages, and would most likely have my case rejected, with the original fine to pay anyway. This would make it difficult for me to pay my rent, pay for gas to get to my jobs, and feed myself. Therefore, I am including a check for the fine, $50, but with this supplementary information that may, by some miracle, impress upon interested parties that some of these “laws” meant to protect the integrity of the environment, are little more than a way to harass and bully the hard working citizens who otherwise recycle religiously, eschew the use of harsh chemical detergents, and strive to protect the quality of life for others who share this city.

Sincerely,
Outraged Citizen (I signed my real name, which is on a need-to-know basis).

Not without a fight, you fuckers.