Sweet treats for the literary, the musical, the feminine, and the generally filthy.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Happy "Devils' Day"

Check out this video my friend made for a class, for which I composed the soundtrack! You will also note yours truly in the role of the Hostess. Worthy of note is that before and after filming, we all had a good communal listen to the Velvet Underground which influenced more than a few images and themes in the video.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

My Latest Finger to the Government

I'm becoming more and more Ron Swanson-esque by the minute. My latest outrage was getting slapped with a fine from, of all
places, the "Environmental" sector of Baltimore City. The issue is laid out in the letter, which I wrote because I hated thinking of their dead little faces in their office, processing these arbitrary citations and issuing fines, collecting them, then dumping their McDonald's wrappers in the Harbor. I cannot fathom simply writing a check to these poor saps so the government--or as is likely the case, private interest companies with Baltimore's nuts in their fist--can continue harassing its citizens without a good lashing. Unfortunately, just like like restraining orders against dangerously psychotic people, it is a weak bandage over a gaping wound. But it is crucial to continue doing so, or the assholes will continue believing they can do things like this without opposition.

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Collection Division
Environmental Code Citations
Municipal Building Lobby
200 Holiday Street
Baltimore, MD 21202
RE: Citation #: 53134425
To Whom It May Concern:

            I have reviewed the photos carefully online regarding this citation, and concede that one of these bags is indeed mine, as confirmed by Off. Turnipseed’s thorough rummaging. I am well versed in Baltimore’s laws concerning the inappropriate placement of trash, and do avidly abide by these and other laws to preserve the cleanliness of both the neighborhood and the environment, which in our great city is nevertheless overrun by rats.
            I am dismayed, therefore, that I should be penalized for what was intended to be an act of courtesy towards the maintenance workers employed by my leasing office at J.R. Owens Corporation. I am aware that there are trash bins for my building located in the alley behind 7 E. Eager. However, on the day in question, September 23, a Monday, our trash collection day, I noticed all these bins were overflowing. Rather than add to this disgraceful mess, which workers must collect, lift, and drag to the alley on the corner at 7 E. Eager every Monday afternoon, I placed my trash bag in the area where the rest of the trash would eventually sit and wait for the trash collection, sometimes for hours.
            As a hard working professional holding two hourly-wage jobs myself, I am aware of the hard work of these maintenance people. My actions reflect an error made in good faith, to prevent additional strain on others. It is clear to me now that only a mountainous trash heap brought to this corner by maintenance is permissible on trash day, and that a single, tied trash bag in the same place on the same day for the same purpose is subject to penalty.
            While I considered requesting a hearing to protest this arbitrary citation, I realized I would be forfeiting an entire day’s wages, and would most likely have my case rejected, with the original fine to pay anyway. This would make it difficult for me to pay my rent, pay for gas to get to my jobs, and feed myself. Therefore, I am including a check for the fine, $50, but with this supplementary information that may, by some miracle, impress upon interested parties that some of these “laws” meant to protect the integrity of the environment, are little more than a way to harass and bully the hard working citizens who otherwise recycle religiously, eschew the use of harsh chemical detergents, and strive to protect the quality of life for others who share this city.

Sincerely,
Outraged Citizen (I signed my real name, which is on a need-to-know basis).
Not without a fight, you fuckers.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

How To Dress for Fall When it Feels Like Summer

It's the first week of October, and yet it's 90 degrees. Summer is sticking around like that hyper house guest who was great fun for the week she crashed on your couch and dragged you to 3am raves, but is now languishing in indecision and taking up all your bandwidth watching torrents of MadMen.

It's a feverish planet whose immune system is indicating danger, and we need to heed that. Walk or bike if you can. Recycle. Turn off lights. 

But what are you going to wear?
Your Spring florals in bursting pinks are in storage, and seem inappropriate in October anyway. Your summer teals and corals have seen enough daylight. But all those sweaters, leather jackets and the jeans you were gladly about to replace for your crotch-riding shorts are still waiting for more autumnal weather. It's painful for nature and awkward for you. You need immediate answers. Here are some ideas for shifting into fall while staying comfortable:

1. Mix styles/cuts

Let's say you are still digging the shorts, or the weather isn't giving you much of an option otherwise. First, consider which areas of your body get hottest fastest. 

Do you need free breathing legs? Do the shorts, and pair them with a more seasonally appropriate top like a long-sleeved shirt or light sweater. (See fabrics    discussion below). 

Are your shoulders/back dripping but you could stand warmer legs? Choose your briefest tank then pair it with summer-weight jeans or leggings. 

Is your everywhere hot? Tshirt, shorts, then socks and ankle boots. Boom.
Most Awkward Model Poses.com

2. Match color to season, if not cut

Another easy option is to ditch the flower and flamingo pinks and Cabo blues in favor of more season-appropriate colors like mauve/burgundy/purple, browns, rusty oranges/golds and of course black (see fabrics discussion, or consider a briefer cut). This way you can wear any cut you want to be max comfy but you still look aware of what month it is.

3. Leggings, long loose tank and ballet flats or wedges.

This works spring through fall and is always cute, especially if you're choosing fall colors.

4. Choose lighter fabrics

Let us embrace all the recession fabrics we've seen in the last few years. All those maddeningly gauzy polyester tops, many of which are long-sleeved, can finally serve a purpose beyond belt-tightening. All those threadbare long-sleeved buys can continue to be put to good use as your seasonable style/summery fabric option. You can balance it all out with sturdy boots, bag or heavy jewelry so you don't look completely ready to float away.

5. Accessorize to Season

NOPE
Consider Paris. Those babes are on a different fashion plateau than our boxy, denim-skirted bro-chicks over here. It's all in your personal philosophy of fashion of course, but consider the gender roles of the culture: French women have to deal with the infamously lecherous Frenchmen, so they have the greater challenge of commanding respect where it may not be offered. When you leave your home, you are in the world, and at least for Frenchwomen that means you must be dressed. (Yes, University Fashion 101 class, that means NO PAJAMA PANTS. Cute at home, not out.)

We may not need gloves quite yet, but scarves are always an option, and one that will allow you to feel more dressed, balancing the almost-underwear look of summer. Scarves are always in season, whether its your heavy cable-knit in winter, your flowy, spring cold-preventer, your wispy motion-creator in summer, or your infinity in fall. The Parisians know it, and moreover they know how to tie them, offering even more options for various levels of warmth. Get hip to it, ladies.
Dear Paris: STOPPIT.


Noticing a pattern here? It's all about balance. Wear a tank with your hair down, or an open jacket with a high bun. Wear summer cuts in fall colors. Layer light fabrics. 

Nothing is impossible. Think of this weird extended summer as an opportunity to get creative with your wardrobe. 

Happy October-summer!