How To Make Him Wear A Condom

We've all been there: you meet him at a coffee shop where you've been admiring the way the tips of his ironic moustache dip into the foam of his cappuccino with every sip. He has a tattoo of a quill and pen on his forearm. He's been ostentatiously flashing the cover of Gravity's Rainbow and waxing loudass poetic to someone in his ear about the artistic integrity of the Pussycat Dolls. The eyes of the kittycat on his sleeveless T-shirt match his own, so you can't help but take him home. There's only one problem: he's a whiner when it comes to putting on a condom. He apparently trusts you so implicitly that he says he believes that you've been tested and that you're on the pill. How sweet. But is he only ironically trusting you? Can you ironically trust him back? No. No, clearly you can't trust anyone in this world, especially a luddite with a bluetooth phone. So how do you make sure the thing goes on, provided you're still going to allow this animal entrance to your sacred realm?

Here are some sure-fire ways to have him rollin' that thing on his rock-hard-on faster than you can say, "I think it goes on the other way."

Say:

1."You didn't think I was going to let you get off that easily, did you?"

2. "The condom will protect against teethmarks."

3. "It's Daddy's rules."

4. "I won't be able to feel when it goes in otherwise."

5. "All your friends are doing it."

6.  "But it's made from organic and locally-harvested latex!"*

7. "I dipped this one in molly."

8. "C'mon...it'll be like touching a kitten with doctor gloves."

9. "But what'll I use as a slingshot after?"

10. "But it would be cheating to tape an unused one in my scrapbook!"

11. "Bill Gates is counting on us."

12. "But I haven't had dinner yet, and this one's pho flavored!"**

13. "Don't worry...this one hasn't broken on me yet."

(K, but for real, STD's suck, and so does any guy who doesn't give a shit enough to protect YOU, even if he's resigned himself.)
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/contraception-guide/Pages/partner-wont-use-condoms.aspx


If the issue is that your run-of-the-mill condoms are well, just not designed with the consumer in mind, there are plenty of new products out there that are officially endorsed by SundaeGirl:

SmartWrap
Now he doesn't have to announce himself--this condom calculates thrust vs. velocity to give you an accurate ETA. Countdown feature optional, and customizable holding music! Choose from: The "Jeopardy" theme, "Eye of the Tiger," Chuck Mangione's Greatest Hits, Classic Cartoon Sound Effects, or upload your own straight from your iPhone!

                                         Days of the Week

                        Also available: That Time of the Month-flavored.

Snappit!

No more trying to rip open a plastic package with slippery hands!

Using the same technology as origami, and those beach towels you can never re-fold, this one will spring to action like a jack-in-the-box, or like other things that get sprung.

The Napoleon-chute

Inflates when you pull the cord to give him twice the girth!

The Lush

Each has been lovingly soaked in a Long Island iced tea.

Or:

The I Love the Nineties 

Remember slap bracelets?

**The Hipster
Pho-flavored, and each wrapper contains a link to a free download from Pitchfork.com.

*The Health Nut
Made with bee pollen, recycled Whole Foods green rubber bands, and ground kale. Recyclable.

The Germaphobe
Sprayed with Lysol on both sides, comes with sterile exam gloves and antibacterial wipes.

The Bondage Freak
Inspired by Chinese finger traps. Win a free car if you can get it off in under ten minutes!

The Arsonist
Patented formula interacts with body heat to self-combust at the moment of climax.

The Condom Formerly Known as Prince
Purple pleather with high ruffled collar.

Seasonal Favorites:

Spring: Cadbury Condom
Chocolate flavor outside, he provides the cream inside.

Summer: Cucumber Mint-flavored
Mint flavor outside, cucumber inside.

Fall: Pumpkin Spice-flavored
Contains a pheromone known to attract women.

Winter: The Stocking Stuffer
Him. That would be him.


This exists:

So does this: The Euro

THIS MAN ALSO EXISTS:

The Minor

The Egobooster (or shriveller)

The Stoner (Slip it on before it slips your mind!)

FOR MORE FUN

Condom wearing: Now with fewer excuses.

DO BETTER, AMERICA

I have to spill some thoughts on a couple of current issues that should outrage EVERYBODY. As Americans, we are receiving messages from other citizens as well as the authorities that black teenagers and women do not have the same rights on the streets as white people and men.

There are indications that what we wear and how we dress in some way gives others the right to harass, molest, assault, or kill people. It's an ancient type of American fear: women who call attention to themselves by being too intellectual, too physically attractive, or simply occupying space at a certain time of day have been shamed, prosecuted, and killed publicly; black teenagers who wear clothing at a certain angle, walk with a certain gait, or again occupy space at a specific time are being stopped and gunned down in a shower of bullets. 

There are precedents set for this type of fear that explain but do not excuse the heavy-handed reaction to the so-called provocations. For example, the pop-culture smear of young black men dating back to slave-era was essentially white men's fear that their power would be challenged; in short, the fear of mutiny through physical violence or by procreating with white women. Young black men were dehumanized, though these fears (of their violent oppression being challenged and the blood of the white race being "tainted") are so ancient and reptilian that the so-called "civilized" white men were really just showing their true colors (so to speak.) Who really ends up looking like the big, dumb, animals? (To say nothing of the bull that escaped a slaughterhouse in Baltimore this summer, and while apparently peacefully trotting through the city, was gunned down by police in a shower of bullets in a civilian-populated area.) The war on women is equally as ancient, pretty much dating back to the days of Christianity when the Bible was widely interpreted to suggest that God was a man, who had a son who would save everyone's soul from the sins of a woman who corrupted men. In America, women who were curious or in any way stepped outside of the oppressive normative behavior required them by the men in charge could be killed.

While the events in Ferguson, MO are alarming to say the least, I am anxious for more actual facts to come to light. We need more information from the protestors, because as we know, just about every media outlet is owned by special-interest groups tied to powerful politicians or corporations. However, it does not diminish the need for the country to DEMAND that police be held responsible for their actions. (Editorial: Maybe we need to stop letting all the dumb jock high school dropouts swing their dicks around with impunity?) Based on America's history, I find it more likely that the police are panicking and over-reacting to peaceful protests (especially incriminating is their denial of media coverage and threats to those peacefully documenting), but that does not mean it is impossible that a few protestors have broken off from the peaceful crowd and instigated violence, thereby negating the righteousness of their cause. Of course, protestors will speak loudly to defend the cause, saying no one threw anything, therefore the escalation of the police response, ie. the rubber bullets, is entirely unjust. And of course the police will respond by saying they were provoked in such a way as to increase the severity of their response. Of course, of course. So everyone's saying exactly what they should be saying, and everyone is weighing in exactly as they ought to. We are quick to judge, quick to condemn, quick to defend. So if you don't want to hear the enflamed rhetoric of people on either side, howsabout we not engage commenters by using perhaps soon-to-be-discredited facts or allegations to prove this or that, or else we end up playing into our own stereotypes, and our society progresses to an absolute zero, stalemate game. Instead, let's continue to READ READ READ, watch the videos, spread information not opinions. An 18 year-old boy or man, depending on which side is speaking, is dead, and we need people to do their jobs properly to find out why, and what steps need to be taken to halt this trend.

It makes me angry when protestors loot and throw rocks, but it doesn't surprise me. In every mob, no matter how righteous the cause or seemingly united the group, there will always be a few whose greed and selfishness take over. It is those few who should be punished, NOT the cause, and not the others who are still non-violently protesting. People lose focus in a mob, which often becomes its own animal with its own set of unpredictable behaviors. But without our numbers, we cannot effect change as quickly.

It makes me angry too when we fail to defend and protect each other from injustice by spreading it ourselves. I'm going to shift my scope from public news to my own personal experience, because in the end that's what I have when it comes to the question of gender. We've been seeing a lot of attention paid to the issue of street harassment, and it's incredibly liberating to see so many people of BOTH genders finally addressing this. A friend posted this article on his facebook page that urges men to be active rather than passive bystanders to street harassment. The most common reaction I get from my male friends when I relate my latest story of street harassment is, "Do they actually think that will work?" Meaning, do the harassers think this is the way to have sex with a woman? But it almost *never* feels sexually-charged to me, rather it feels like being bullied at school when someone pushes you against a locker and speaks into your face at close-range. That behavior could also appear sexually-charged if it were between genders, but somehow we know it's not. 

Intimidation comes in many forms that often do not include overt physical contact. We're taught in sexual harassment education courses at work and school that sexual harassment is a blanket term that includes many different types of behavior ranging from the non-verbal to unwanted physical contact. This street harassment is an intimidation method, which again stems from fear. These men have a psychological problem, and they are taking it out on others, just like your bully from school who was probably under great emotional stress at home and was displacing his aggression and anger onto classmates. 

(Editorial: this is why I think the whole anti-bully initiative should focus on, perhaps, anti-CHILD ABUSE which is often what produces bullies to begin with!! Hitting your child is not RAISING your child, and should be a prosecutable offense. I heard a women outside the library today bitching about how a shop owner told her she could not threaten her child in the store, and how she responded, "Lemme tell YOU somethin, how I raise my child..."blah blah blah. I've heard parents say, "It worked for me, it works for my kids!" But what about the maxim that violence indicates a failure of words? Or in the case of child-raising with which I admittedly have no experience, perhaps a failure of boundary-setting or consequence-education? When we resort to violence, we exhibit animal tendencies, which triggers a whole series of animal-like behaviors in children who are learning from us how to treat others. We have access to faculties that negate the need for physical violence, so why don't we f--ing USE them?)

Men need to be watchdogs for each other, and call each other out on this kind of behavior: "It does not make you more manly. No one else is impressed. You are making a fool of yourself and your gender." We should be celebrating the men who speak out against this, who are using their historically-bestowed power in society to take steps towards gender equality, just as white people with their inherited power should be using it to take steps towards racial equality. Positive reenforcement. Works with kids, works with your pets, works with adults.

Women also need to be supporters of each other. I was confused then disappointed when a female writer I was complimenting then asked me, "Is that sexy dress you're wearing working?" Confused, I responded in my usual sassy Mae West voice, "Honey, it's workin' overtime!" But that's not what she meant, so she persisted: "Is it getting the desired reaction? Who are you wearing it for?" and then I met her with a steely gaze and said, "Myself. I'm wearing it to feel good, because I like how it looks on me and how it makes me feel, and I'm wearing it because it makes me feel good." Turned out I had been in conversation with a man she herself desired, and that's how she was handling herself, at 40-some years old. Grow up, bitch. 

And grow up America. Use your words. Don't hit. Don't bully. Find a passion. Take care of your people. Read books. Develop empathy. Do better.

Paris, July 2014

"Safety Locks"

She waits in the trunk so
she doesn't have to watch
the animals
rip him to pieces.

"Peterson, North Dakota"

I'm fifty years old and married
for now; no one will hire
a master.

"My Friend"

When they finally pried him off of me,
he left a hickey
and his legs were still moving.

"Paris"

Where rich husbands take
their wives for collagen, silk,
and temper tantrums.

"Backstroke"

A fly frogswam
in my red and died
on the spoon, but I let
the petal float.

"The Rule"

I forgot my umbrella;
I didn't think I'd be wet.

"Sparkler Dessert"

Tonight is everyone's birthday;
the waiters are pissed.

"Resting Paris Face"

I have never seen a girl
wearing a bow on her head
look so angry.

"Amsterdam"

Women are moving behind glass
the old men tapping
smiles like rotted corn.

"Exile"

Bottles clutter the beach.
I read and record every message.

Humiliation Story #1

I had a crush on a boy in elementary school for several years. He was blonde, blue-eyed and freckled. He was always cracking jokes and doing silly voices. When I confessed to my best friend that I had it bad, she developed a crush on him too, and we began competing.

She eventually began to like his best friend better. His best friend liked her back, and in fifth grade they wanted to go on a date. But because that was still a scary, potentially embarrassing and tricky-with-parents prospect, they secretly convinced the boy I liked to ask me out, so they wouldn't be alone. On the last day of school, the boys approached my friend and I and asked if we wanted to go see a movie. Then they asked what movie we'd like to see. My stomach lurched, because unlike these latchkey kids, I wasn't yet allowed to see PG-13 movies. I was not 13 yet, and my mom would research online even the PG-rated movies I wanted to see. My friend responded immediately, "Lost World, Lost World, Lost World," referring to the "Jurassic Park" sequel that had just come out. I kicked the dirt and said I wasn't going to be allowed to see that, could we pick another? But no. So they went.

I went to figure skating camp for most of the summer, not knowing they had already gone on this date without me. I was just thrilled that I had finally "gotten" my crush. As far as I was concerned, he was now my boyfriend. So I wrote him a letter from camp, expressing my excitement that he liked me, that I had liked him for a long time, and that when I got back from camp we should hang out. I never got a letter back, but then most kids didn't write letters to each other. It was a bold, adult move for me.

When I got home from camp, one of the kids from school had a summer pool party. My best friend was going, as were the two boys. Since my crush hadn't written back, I determined to play it cool, just show up in a sexy-for-middle-school bikini, act fun and hopefully get my first kiss.

I walked over to the pool where the two boys were and dipped my toes in. Catching sight of me, my crush said, loud enough for everyone at the party to hear, "You...sent me...the most disgusting letter!"

Six years later, I showed up to his school's prom with a boy I'd grown up with, was practically my brother, but had also gotten very attractive. I don't mind mentioning I'd become a hottie as well, and was wearing a bright red fitted gown with plunging back. I hadn't seen most of the people at that school (I had gone to a private high school, away from all these neighborhood trolls), and I received many compliments, most notably from said crush. I was cool, and acted confused as to why he was even speaking to me, then proceeded to flash big smiles as my childhood buddy and I got silly on the dance floor.

Victory.

Flashes of Bardot...

"Monsterhead" Music Video

About a year in production, I'm pleased to finally present my first music video, featuring the talents of Will Shanklin, Madeleine Buck, Whitney Morell,Carabella Sands, and Simona Stankeviciute! So lucky to get to work with some of Baltimore's finest artists. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbGSyBQamfE&feature=youtu.be

Q & A With Ms. Grace

The following are a cross-section of actual questions I have been asked (some as recently as last week), the answers I gave or wish I had given. Actual answers will be in normal typeface, and time-reversal fantasy answers will be in italics.

On Prostitutes:

10 year-old: What's a prostitute for?
Me: Sad men.
10 year-old: Yeah but what are they?
Me: (Trying not to get fired) Women who get paid to be pretty. Er...no...
10 year-old: Models in magazines get paid, right? They have to be pretty too, right? Are they prostitutes?
Me: Actually prostitutes don't have to be pretty at all.
10 year-old: So why do they get money?
Me: Because people are lonely and sad.
10 year-old: Why don't they just take Prozac?
Me: Good question.

On Homosexuality:

55 year-old man: Why do girls want girlfriends?
Me: Why do you?
Man: 'Cause I'm a man.
Me: ...
Man: And because they're beautiful, inspiring creatures.
Me: ...
Man: Ohhhh.

20 year-old art student: Why are girls with short hair lesbians?
Me: You're asking two questions.
Student: All the girls with short hair at this school are lesbians. So why do lesbians have short hair?
Me: Not all girls with short hair are lesbians. Not all lesbians have short hair.
Student: Then why does everyone ask if I'm gay because I have short hair?
Me: Maybe you're too friendly?

On Women:

20-something man: Then she asked me to spank her, like requested it. Why do women fight domestic violence so much if they actually want to be punished?
Me: *Swung and missed.*
Me: Domestic violence is not a fetish, it's a CRIME.  If women want pain with their pleasure, they have the right to request it.

20-something man (different one): Why are women attracted to assholes?
Me: It's usually something else they're attracted to, like high testosterone levels or confidence.
Me: Are you asking why anyone bothered to have sex with you?

With Strangers:

Man on the street, to me: HOW MUCH? 'EY! 'EY! HOW MUCH?
Me: Well, it's like 7k for butt implants, so I'd wager it's around $200 for your castration.

Man on the street (different one): Wutup, snow bunny??
Me: Oh, nothin', just doing white girl stuff.

With Ex-Boyfriends:

Me: Please don't fuck her.
BF: Why not?
Me: Because I'm in love with you.
BF: Why would you say that?
Me: *dies inside*
Me: Because I have the ability to express emotions with words instead of my dick, you heartless piece of shit.

BF(different): (In a rage) Why do all the cute girls like bird-chested skinny-ass dudes?
Me: Um, not ALL of them, obviously...
BF: No, no, I mean the really cute girls.
Me: Maybe because there's a lesser chance of their getting physically overpowered in a fight, you monster.

Then: A coworker: Haha, what happened to you? He beating you again? Haha.
Me: ...
Him: Oh, shit.

Then: the E.R. doctor: Why are you so embarrassed to be here?
Me: Because there's so many other people worse off.
Doc: Not really. He came close. You are very lucky.

Then: His "bros": Why did you file a restraining order against him?
Me: Because he tried to kill me.
Them: Why did you stay with him so long then?
Me: Because I was trapped in my own home, malnourished, forcibly sleep-deprived, physically overpowered and threatened regularly, and surrounded by witnesses too cowardly to help or speak up or do anything other than step over my bleeding body and then testify against me in court.

Then: My best friend: Are you going to quit your job and everything now?
Me: No.
Her: But you're in bad shape, why not?
Me: Because he won't take THAT from me also.

With Another Young Woman:
She: Has anything ever happened to you that you swore would never happen to you?
Me: Yes.

She: Are you a feminist?
Me: Yes.
She: Do you hate men?
Me: No.

With Current Boyfriend:

Me: Do you think you could help me load more boxes into my car today?
BF: I will help you load boxes until I'm old and gray.

Me: Why do you have to be SO handsome all the time?
BF: 'Cause you're so beautiful all the time.

Me: Darling, I'm sick and shat the bed. Can you please not look or breathe in??
BF: Oh, whatever. It's not that big a deal. I'll take you to Patient First.
Me: Should I bring a towel for your car seat?
BF: *wipes my tears*

BF: I love watching this show with you.
Me: (first time) I love...you!
BF: Well, I love you!
Me: You DO??
BF: Duh!


A note: All of these conversations happened in very close language to that which I used here, otherwise were summed up to indicate actual tone and meaning. These conversations only represent one profound snippet of those longer conversations. Hopefully some people's minds have broadened, and I'm glad I didn't get a call from an angry parent. 

In my job I often have to act as a cultural diplomat for many different cultures than my own, and my responses, delivered on the spot, required a great amount of understanding of the larger sociopolitical constructs that confuse and alienate citizens of the world. When delivering enlightening information to someone hearing it for the first time, therefore, we should be sensitive and empathetic while indicating the local implications of the question itself. 

I'd also like to note that while I have had more than two terrible relationships, I have had many more wonderful ones like the one I enjoy now. This represents not only my ability to connect with many different kinds of people (even the horrible ones), but my ability to bounce back, to forgive myself and not blame entire bushels for one bad apple. I encourage others to do the same, and read this if you're ever unsure about someone you're with: http://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Psychopath

Here's to living bravely, sincerely, and compassionately.

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JG